I am a people pleaser.I hate the thought of disappointing people.Not having people’s approval is difficult for me.Consequently, I have let people walk all over on me. I have lacked the ability to confidently stand up for myself.
I have had a hard time making decisions for myself. Always wanting to know what others’ thought I should do.So afraid of making a mistake.So afraid of disappointing others…of disappointing God.I doubt my own thoughts, intuition and experiences.I have allowed people to treat me poorly and take advantage of my generosity.To my own detriment, have I allowed spiritual leaders to manipulate and control me, all in the name of God.I have been silenced, minimized, shamed and blamed.I’m tired of it. I have had enough.
Something amazing happened over this past year.I found my voice.A still small voice, buried inside myself.And it is pissed off.Pissed off at how I have been treated.Pissed off at being silenced.But mostly, pissed off at myself, for letting it all happen. The truth is, I couldn’t have stopped it.I didn’t know how.No one every taught me.So, I am learning now.Learning how to speak up for myself, instead of owning someone else’s bad behavior. Learning to value my thoughts and opinions. Learning to trust my intuition.And realizing I don’t have to justify my decisions to anyone. It is very freeing.